When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
