are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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