Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
