Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
