My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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