I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize