I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
