I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
