that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
