Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
