Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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