Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
