Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
