he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
