I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize