i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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