We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
