These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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