just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You pole danced in your parka.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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