I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
