i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
BRING THE BAGELS
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
