Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize