i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize