Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize