someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
