its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
