Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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