Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize