She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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