i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
