life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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