You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
