I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
