i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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