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Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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