She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
