Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
