I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
