Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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