she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
