he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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