I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
