Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
