she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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