Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
