I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
