just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
this is an emotional support booty call
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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