WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
