did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
