I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize