Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
