You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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