Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
