I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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